7 Ways to Keep the Passion and Intimacy Alive whilst Raising Young Children

2017-04-25
In my coaching work with mums, this is one of the most common areas we discuss. How to stay lovingly connected to your partner despite the daily chaos of being a 'on-the-go' mum.
 
nick and rhi

Not long after my son was born, it dawned on me that my husband and I were not actually talking let alone listening to one another. It was more like a tennis match – both trying to score the most points for having the busiest and most challenging day. This AHA helped me to realise two important things:

  1. That this type of conversation was starting to happen more often than I liked to admit.

  2. I actually didn’t want to win the match, I just wanted to be heard and appreciated…and ultimately so did he!

The following 7 wellbeing ideas have helped my husband and I stay intimately connected over the past 8 years. I credit them for keeping our passion alive.

1. Enjoy regular five minute cuppa’s together

Once the children are asleep, boil the kettle and have a cup of tea together, without the TV blaring or iPhones nearby. It’s a beautiful way to check in with each other and see how one another’s day has been. I find this one of the easiest ways to pause and connect after the rush of the night routine and before further chores or work begin.


2. Forget the score cards

When creating the time to chat with your partner, make it a competition free zone. It’s easy to slip into the point scoring system of ‘my day was the toughest’ scenario but if you’re conscious you can simply state what has happened throughout the day (rather than going into complaining mode) and share how you felt about it (minus the ‘poor me’ mentality). I feel that even the most supportive and loving husbands still struggle to fully comprehend what it’s like to be a mother but by being curious listeners you tend to remain on the same page.

 

3. Say thank you

So simple, yet so easily overlooked. Appreciation plays a huge role in how we feel about many areas of our wellbeing. Research often shows that the number one reason people leave their job is because they feel unappreciated. Therefore not taking your partner for granted goes a long way in raising your intimacy level. A quick thank you for doing the dishes, hanging out the washing, tidying up after dinner, picking up milk on the way home, can be one of the most important things you ever say to each other.

 

4. Greet with a smile

A smile says a thousand words. To acknowledge someone as they enter the room, especially after a long day apart from each other, can be so valuable in boosting your relationship wellbeing. Eye contact, a hello and a smile is the perfect trifecta… it’s an amazingly simple bond-building tool. It dissipates resentment and other negative emotions quicker than any other wellbeing action I know.

 

5. Schedule ‘making love’ time

Yes, I know it’s not as spontaneous as it used to be but it’s better than nothing at all. By scheduling in some intimate time with your partner you’re prioritising it and it is more likely to happen. I must say that this is especially beneficial for couples who have more than one child, children that don’t sleep well and/or couples that often have children in the bed with them. Scheduling in time to make love is one way to help keep the physical flame alive.

 

 6. Clarify your top three priorities

Make time to ask what three things are most important to one another in the relationship. You may like to be more specific by asking what top three things you most need/desire from the other. Sometimes we think we know what our partner wants but it’s so important to check in regularly on a deeper level.

 

7. Forgive quickly

Choose to let go of the little things quickly. We all have our eccentricities, which of course can annoy those we live with, but using forgiveness everyday is a powerful wellbeing tool. I actually believe it creates miracles when it comes to nurturing your relationship wellbeing. Deciding to give each other a break and not be so hard on one another – especially about the little things, cultivates more intimacy. This also frees up heaps more energy for fun, play and relaxation time together.

 

Hope you enjoyed these wellbeing ideas to keep the passion alive!

Let me know which one you liked the best over on The Wellbeing Web facebook page.

 

 

Let's Connect

Comments


Kelly
Such valuable tips here. My kids are older now, but thankfully my hubby and I are still madly in love and best friends. Scheduled sex kinda sucked, but for a while that was the only way it was ever going to happen and it's what it took to keep our intimacy alive when the kids were so young and needy. I'm happy to report that now it's just a great spontaneous act of love without the need to plan it in! :)
Thanks so much Kelly. So great to hear that as the kids grow older it becomes easier to have special & spontaneous fun.  Staying connected with your partner in the meantime is definitely key while the children are young ...and oh so important. xo
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Helen Butler
Ooh I love these ideas Rhiannon! I know there are a few areas my hubby and I fall down in but I do know that the most important thing for us is that we respect each other and what we each do during the day. We hug every morning three or four times (good morning, I love you, have a good day, that kind of thing) and always greet each other at night with a kiss, hug and smile (even though we're both pretty exhausted!!). It's always a work in progress! :)
Brilliant Helen! Thanks so much for sharing. I love how you prioritise daily connection with your hubby (it's oh so important) ...and respect is a huge one too. It really is all about the little things, isn't it! ...& yes, it's always a work in progress.   :) 
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Cassie
I love your tip of 'forgive quickly', Rhiannon. Too often we get into these petty quarrels about stuff that we don't even care about and then go to bed angry. It is certainly not helping us nor beneficial for the kids. Nowadays we are trying to be more compassionate towards each other and accept that we are married with warts and all :)
Thanks so much Cassie. I totally agree ...& keeping the family vision (or what really matters most) in mind always helps! :) 
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Deb
Great ideas! And great timing - I was just saying that I really need to focus on my marriage. I love the 5 minutes (I usually put so much pressure on us to spend more time together and then we never find the time - 5 minutes seems doable). I think I need to print this list and work harder. Thanks for the great reminders! 
Thanks Deb. I love it when an idea for something shows up at exactly the right time! :) Yes, 5 minutes feels easier than saying we must dedicate x amount of hours each night or week to one another. I definitely believe consistency is key in relationships...and often quality over quantity works wonders for all involved. xo
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Julie Marah
I love how simple and practical these tips are Rhiannon. So often women feel frustrated and disconnected in their marriages, yet as you have shown, there are simple, doable steps they can take to feel more connected to their husbands. Thank you!  
Thanks Julie. Yes, it really is all about the little things! :) 
By - Rhiannon

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